How Do I Love Thee?

Two days and counting.  The Big Day to figure out how to say “I love you” will be upon us.  Hallmark, 1-800-FLOWERS, and Kay Jewelers will make a tidy bundle, which they'll double in the following days as those of us who screw up scramble to find ways to say “I'm sorry.”

In the beginning, saying “I love you” was easy.  God gave us flowers, chocolate, and shiny rocks to win the hearts of our true loves.  Fields of flowers, pounds of chocolate, and many shiny rocks later all lost their charm and luster as the years flew by.

Five-star dining, fine wine, and a night of dancing as we tried to recapture the euphoric feeling of true love we first experienced in our youth replaced the flowers, chocolate, and shiny rocks as a way to say “I love you.”  In those middle years, we sampled the finest wines and danced the night away.  But as our knees grew stiffer, the music grew louder and more annoying, and nine o'clock in the evening became our new bed time, fine dining and dancing began to lose it's charm.

Well, here's something I never tried

Two days and I boldly face my twenty-first Big Day to say “I love you” to my one and only true love of over the last two decades.  The old stand-by of flowers, chocolate, and shiny rocks coupled with a night of five star dining and fine wine - minus the dancing - might work in the combo form.  It could be cliched overkill, too. It takes skill to pull that maneuver off.

At my age, creativity and performance are no longer my strong points.  Besides, after twenty-one years, if I haven't stuck around out of true love, what on earth reason could my other half possibly think I stuck around for?  I certainly didn't stick around because I needed a place to stay.

Especially with the pandemic putting a damper on everything, perhaps I could say “I love you” with an evening at home sipping a fine brandy while watching a romantic movie.

Nah, that wouldn't work.  Neither one of us likes the sappy movies.  We'd both fall asleep within the first half hour watching a romance story.  I'd rather binge watch old Bugs Bunny.  My other half would rather watch Twilight or Kiss of the Damned. 

Perhaps I could cook the five star dinner from scratch and enjoy a snifter of fine brandy after dinner.

Nah, that wouldn't work either.  Given my cooking history, the meal would be more like a karaoke dinner instead of a grand concert dining experience.

Well, I got two more days to think of something romantic that says “I love you.”  I know from experience pretending to forget the day won't work.  Viagra alone won't work, either, unless I have a bottle of extra strength Tylenol handy.  With my luck, the Tylenol will work for my other half, but the Viagra will fail me.

Who was it that said, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways?”  I probably should have read that book.  In twenty years, not counting repeats, I've counted maybe four or five different ways.  Repeats got me by on many of those other years.  The twenty-first year will be a tough one.

Maybe I could learn to strum a guitar and sing a romantic song in the next two days.  Fine brandy might make my performance sound better....

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Posted by A Drunk Redneck