One Drunk Redneck

Files lawsuit against owner alleging unwelcomed advances All I want to do is play and chase rabbits When Mango trotted into the county courthouse to file a lawsuit against her housemate, little did she know her actions would split her quiet, rural community...pitting neighbor against neighbor and dog lover against cat lover.   "The arrogance of that little bitch!" exclaimed Pussy.  "She's threatened the status of pets across the nation with her actions today."  Pussy is a family farm cat whose job is to keep the barn free of mice.  "So her housemate wants to hug her.  Hugging is far better than being thrown into a barn every night to hunt mice for your dinner." As Mango explained to this reporter as she affixed her paw print to the court document she was about to file, she holds no animosity nor indifference to her housemate.  She is tired of his unwanted affection, that's all.    "A day doesn't go by without him scratching me behind my ea...

Two days and counting.  The Big Day to figure out how to say “I love you” will be upon us.  Hallmark, 1-800-FLOWERS, and Kay Jewelers will make a tidy bundle, which they'll double in the following days as those of us who screw up scramble to find ways to say “I'm sorry.” In the beginning, saying “I love you” was easy.  God gave us flowers, chocolate, and shiny rocks to win the hearts of our true loves.  Fields of flowers, pounds of chocolate, and many shiny rocks later all lost their charm and luster as the years flew by. Five-star dining, fine wine, and a night of dancing as we tried to recapture the euphoric feeling of true love we first experienced in our youth replaced the flowers, chocolate, and shiny rocks as a way to say “I love you.”  In those middle years, we sampled the finest wines and danced the night away.  But as our knees grew stiffer, the music grew louder and more annoying, and nine o'clock in the evening became our new bed ...

Visited four stores today trying to get the necessities.  In this Age of Coronavirus, getting the necessities is like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  I never did get my water, bread, or toilet paper.  Thank God this aisle had everything I needed...and well stocked, to boot!  Strange times we live in when a crisis leaves the grocery aisles bare, but the beer and wine aisle full.  Hey, I'm not complaining.  I'll weather this crisis just fine...me and my Bud - and a few of his friends and girlfriends. Hey, take a walk on the wild side.  Proudly shop both sides. Posted by A Drunk Redneck

Bubba Joe Crowley Second House Past the Oak Tree Crowley's Bend, TN 38008 President Donald Trump The White House Washington, DC Dear Esteemed "The" Donald Trump: I'd be honored to join your administration to "Make America Great Again."   I be exactly what this country needs to git the job done.   It's goin to take more than cinderblocks and duck tape to make America great again, but I'm handy with both those tools and don't mind gittin my hands dirty.   I'm includin my resume for your consideration. I ain't got no Ivory League School qualifications you might be looking for, but what did those schools ever produce anyways?   Sure, they make a good soap that floats in the tub, but my Grandmaw's been makin floatin soap since before I was born.   It had to float.   If it didn't, it gits lost in the mud when you drop it.   My Great-Grandmaw invented floatin soap long before those Ivory League Schools did. ...

Posted by A Drunk Redneck as channeled through Rod Serling

Posted by A Drunk Redneck

Click pic for larger view Posted by A Drunk Redneck

Alarmed by the growing technology relying on invisible waves to control it, more and more everyday folks are turning to tin foil hats for protection. "Bees are suddenly dying and birds are getting lost on their migration routes," explained Al Stagnola of Little Italy in Baltimore.  "That's why I always wear a tin foil lined hat."  He tipped his hat to show the neatly stitched foil lining inside.  "It's triple layered.  Can't be too safe, you know." Stagnola may not be far off  in his thinking. Studies dating back a decade or more suggest the electromagnetic radiation driving our computers and cellphones may be interfering with our birds and bees' sense of direction.  Other studies suggest our WI-Fi and cellphone waves may be negatively affecting us as well as all living creatures. "I don't take no chances," explained Josh Cahil, a third generation turkey farmer on Delmarva.  "I ain't got a lot of money to buy ...

Over the last year, my TV has been flooded with Bell + Howell TAC products .  A buff warrior of the Paintball Dome tries to sell me something by the TAC people.   I think the TAC spokesmen are really auditioning for soldiers-only-dot-com or your local health store pushing muscle protein shakes.   They're hoping to get discovered in case the pretend warrior gig doesn't work out. "Normal sunglasses make things darker.   That could be dangerous in a tactical situation." "It collapses into full armor mode." Hey ladies.  You want something rugged...the glasses I mean?  ( More on Nick Bolton ) No lie.   Those are selling points for their TAC glasses and lanterns.   Should I worry about waking up one morning and finding myself in a tactical situation?   Is Trump going to order Homeland Security to invade my home?   Or maybe the Russians are coming through my computer and into my living room in a blitz attack?   Talk about...

Dear Trump: Amazon ain't to blame for the woes of the US Post Office. USPS' woes began long before Amazon was even a blip on the Internet screen. Postal officials, Congress, and every president for the last couple of decades are to blame for USPS' failures. If Amazon truly is ripping the Post Office off as your fake news statement claims, fire the postal negotiators...fire them all! Your forte is to govern by executive order. Did your pen run out of ink? Send that foreigner you call your wife down to Wal-Mart to get you a pack of those made-in-China pens and start governing. Get that pen writing and Twitter hopping with firings. Make USPS profitable again! Thank you, A sober Drunk Redneck ps You have until the end of the month to turn the Post Office around because THAT'S YOUR JOB. Fail and YOU'RE FIRED! This is how people with big hands fire failures so make the USPS great again! Posted by Five Drunk Rednecks

There's no denying it. Smoking isn't dangerous to your health. Dangerous implies that if one is extremely careful, one won't be harmed. There is no such thing as "careful smoking" therefore, smoking is deadly. It will kill you. Some will die quicker than others. Those who don't suffer a quick death will suffer painfully for years before finally dying.   But smoking always kills in the end. Sleek...stylish...and a demon heaven Ok, now that I got the obligatory scare paragraph in place as required by law to get you to stop smoking -did it work? - let's get on with the evil e-cigs and the demon within I encountered. For those of you who are only vaguely familiar with e-cigs, yes, they look like an electronic version of a cigarette, but are far less dangerous than a cigarette. I know. I make that statement and the first thing you want is proof. Guess what? I offer none. I've seen too many people switch to e-cigs and then quit smoking alto...

Two major hurricanes in as many weeks with a third one looming out there.  What a catastrophic end to summer.  Fortunately, the third one, hurricane Jose, looks to be staying out to sea and not wrecking any havoc on land.  Hopefully, it's not to soon to lighten the somber mood summer left us with. Posted by Five Drunk Rednecks

For my readers who may not be familiar with Delmarva, we're farm and fishing country.  Chicken farming is big business with Delmarva playing host to four major companies: Allen Family Foods, Mountaire, Perdue and Townsends.  Seventeen hundred family farms supply the processors with the chickens and when you add everything up (feed mills, hatcheries, and processing plants), the chicken industry on Delmarva employs about 14,000 people and growing. Can you imagine the size of the chicken attached to that neck? Now I don't know which of the seventeen hundred families raising chickens for the four big companies did it, but it appears a farm around Pocomoke City, MD in Worcester County raises record breaking chickens.  This sign outside of the SYSCO food distributor plant advertises they have 40 pound chicken necks in stock. Believe it or not, I found a question Google couldn't answer.  I wanted to know how big a chicken would be if it had a 40 pound neck.  ...

Trump swore in his EPA administrator, Scott Pruitt.   He's a global warming skeptic and even sued the EPA several times. He used his position as Oklahoma's attorney general to go after the EPA for their efforts to regulate mercury, smog, and other pollutants.   Here's a Washington Post story that breaks everything about Pruitt down. Ok, it has become painfully obvious that Trump is trying to take us back to the 1950's.   Fossil fuels should burn freely since global warming is a hoax.   God needs to be returned to our schools.   Blue collar assembly line jobs need to be brought back, presumably sans robots.   Anyone publicly questioning the government should be shamed, blacklisted, and, if possible, charged with a felony. A 1950's relic thought to be extinct is alive and kicking at the EPA in DC McCarthy would be proud of this new line of censorship Trump is trying to bring to us. The list goes on, but here's what I want to know.   How ...

And this picture wouldn't be complete with an appropriate song, well, almost appropriate song. Posted by Five Drunk Rednecks

Trump tweeted the pic below with this message: Great seeing @ TheLeeGreenwood and Kimberly at this evenings VP dinner! # GodBlessTheUSA The pic was too good to pass up without adding the words of what they might have been thinking:   Posted by Five Drunk Rednecks

We're all familiar with Trump.  That orange-ish white thing on top of his head, orange skin, and scowling facial expressions are Trump trademarks.  Yesterday, Fox News tweeted an announcement of an exclusive interview (one of hundreds they have had) with Trump.  Now look at the picture.  Is that the Trump we know and Alec Baldwin so accurately parodied on Saturday Night Live? The Trump pictured in Fox News' announcement is either expertly photo-shopped or a stunt double posed for the photo op.  This Trump is smiling, his skin color and tone is normal beige, his hair is slicked back with extra strength bonding mousse to tame that thing on top of his head, and that has to be Grecian Formula in his hair. If this makeover trend continues for the next four years, Trump just may be noted for being the first president in history to look younger and happier after his term than he did before taking office. Posted by Five Drunk Rednecks

If you clicked here hoping to read an updated version of this crude limerick, think again.   I used the promise of sex to trick you into learning something.   Oh, don't look so surprised.   Everyone falls for that old trick. Limericks never get the literary credit they deserve.   Maybe it's because they are usually crude in nature.   Maybe it's because they hang out on bathroom walls.   One isn't apt to scrape something off a bathroom wall and hold it up as an example of a fine literary masterpiece.   Limericks are read, chuckled at, and forgotten once one's business is done.   Only the man from Nantucket has gained any fame from the bathroom wall. But limericks can be quite entertaining and not always crude.   They don't have to make sense, can be written in reverse, and be written with no words at all. Huh?   No words? Yup, even mathematicians get in on the game and write flowing limericks like this: 12 + 144 + 2...

President Obama, against all odds, led this country out of the Great Recession and set this country on a path to prosperity.  He redefined healthcare and got millions more people insured that the old insurance industry would've refused to cover.  He brought equality and equal protection to millions more by integrating the Armed Forces for gay people and paved the way for the eventual Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage.  He's opened relations with Cuba setting the stage for tourism and trade that will benefit both countries.  He stopped Iran from trying to obtain a nuclear weapon for the foreseeable future and he found and killed Osama Bin Laden.  He has led the world in battling global warming by example - instituting green policies in this country that other countries could emulate and he brought the countries together in Paris to sign a historic deal that would greatly reduce global greenhouse emissions.  A book could be written on the th...

There's no sugarcoating this article.   When you have presidential candidates debating the size of one's penis, you know our country is in trouble.   Looking over the barren Presidential candidate landscape, all I see are crooks, conmen, liars, cheats, and foreigners.   After a year of campaigning, I can't tell you one solid plan by any candidate to address any of the pressing issues of today.   Sure, they all talk the talk, but none have laid out a clear map of the direction this country needs to take to address the problems of today and the problems coming thirty years from now. Here's what I want...and who wouldn't? Since there is no plan for me to vote for, I reckon my vote will be decided by my answer to one question: who would I buy a used car from?   I've always wanted a Ford Mustang, even though I probably couldn't afford a used one, but grab a beer and let's go on the campaign trail to see who I might buy one from.   Hillary Cli...