The demon lurking in your e-cig
There's no denying it. Smoking isn't dangerous to your health. Dangerous implies that if one is extremely careful, one won't be harmed. There is no such thing as "careful smoking" therefore, smoking is deadly. It will kill you. Some will die quicker than others. Those who don't suffer a quick death will suffer painfully for years before finally dying. But smoking always kills in the end.
Ok, now that I got the obligatory scare paragraph in place as required by law to get you to stop smoking -did it work? - let's get on with the evil e-cigs and the demon within I encountered.
For those of you who are only vaguely familiar with e-cigs, yes, they look like an electronic version of a cigarette, but are far less dangerous than a cigarette. I know. I make that statement and the first thing you want is proof. Guess what? I offer none. I've seen too many people switch to e-cigs and then quit smoking altogether within a year to believe that e-cigs are somehow dangerous.
And you're reading someone who tried to quit smoking and failed. While chewing nicotine gum and wearing the patch, I still lit up. When my doctor pointed out with a stern warning that I should either smoke or try one quit smoking program at a time, but not do all of them together, I ditched the gum and trashed the patch. I wasn't addicted to the nicotine. I was addicted to the act of smoking.
I switched to the e-cig because I knew I had to quit and despite everything else failing - including extortionist taxes on tobacco products - I thought, "Well, heck, why not try it?"
I took the plunge and spent the equivalent of a carton of cigarettes on a good vaporizer. Shelling out fifty bucks for the vaporizer plus a tube of e-juice and a pack of replacement coils was the best investment I ever made.
I smoked my pack of cigarettes while getting adjusted to the e-cig. A funny thing happened, though. My pack of cigarettes lasted a week instead of a day. The e-cig did something the patch and nicotine gum couldn't do. I didn't smoke the real cigarette nearly as much while trying to quit as I did when I tried the other quit smoking gimmicks. When I smoked my last cigarette in the pack a week later, I never bought another pack.
A year later, I had reduced the nicotine levels in the e-liquid to zero and my puffing to at most one puff a day...two if people were getting on my nerves. I'd go many days without puffing at all, but then the two-day weekend would end and I'd be back to work dealing with people and puffing once or twice a day.
Food tasted good again, my breathing improved, and my blood pressure returned to a solid normal reading. The e-cig was a blessing and my tool to healthier living...until the demon hiding within reared its maleficent head.
It was one of the first days of spring when the temperatures rise into the sixties. Those are special days. The sun's warmth wakes the plants and animals out of their winter sleep. For people, it stirs a funny kind of giddiness combined with an unexplained restlessness inside. The feeling drives many of us to play hooky. We even justify our truancy from work or school by thinking spring fever must be a legitimate illness because it has a fever in the description. A day or two of rest with a twelve-pack by one's side and a fishing pole on the other side is one of many possible cures, although arguably not the best nor most fun.
No, I take that back. A twelve-pack and fishing lasts a lot longer than the other fun.
But side tracked, again. The thought of beer and fishing tends to do that to me.
I didn't play hooky on this particularly fine spring day so I was out running my route. After completing one of my stops, I hopped in the van and started down the long country road to my next stop. Ten minutes down the road, I took my daily puff from my e-cig. I no sooner put the tip between my lips and I felt a buzzing, tingling feeling as if the battery had shorted or something.
Instinctively I pulled it away and held it vertically in front of me. In that split second, the head of a bee emerged from the mouthpiece. He hoisted himself up in a precarious balancing act, back arched like I've seen in so many documentaries about demons. Usually the demon comes as a fly, but they have been known to appear as cockroaches, spiders, beetles, and, yes, bees. Whatever insect they come as, they always crawl out of a crevice, a bottle, a book, or even a nose. Whatever venue the demon decides to crawl out of, it's always a small, unexpected place with an even smaller opening to squeeze his body through.
The bee got his body half way out of my e-cig and stared at me as if deciding which opening in my body he would enter to posses me - mouth, nose, ear, or corner of my eye. Fortunately for him, I try to be environmentally conscious and thought, "What if this isn't a demon, but just a real bee?"
Bees are having a rough go of it. Between homeowners drenching their property with herbicides, fungicides, and insecticides and demons taking control of them for nefarious reasons, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand why our bees are disappearing. People are spraying too many chemicals.
It's bad enough what the homeowner is doing to our bees and since I couldn't be sure if it was a demon sitting on the end of my e-cig or a real bee, I decided to err on the side of caution and let the fella go. I slowed my van down to a reasonable speed of about fifty and stuck the e-cig out the window. The wind set the bee, demon, or whatever it was free.
Or so I thought.
As I sped my van up to a more reasonable speed of...let's just say a speed the government wouldn't approve of...the sensors on my demon detector were in red alert status. Her visual and audio sensors focused on my lunch bag sitting between our seats.
I glanced down at my lunch bag, but saw nothing. Driving down a country road, I couldn't exactly stare and look for the demon, but I stole a few glances hoping to see what my demon detector detected.
Now the smart thing for me to do would have been to pull over, find the bee, and shoo it on out of the van. I was sober, though, so I wasn't exactly thinking in logical, clear terms. Instead of doing what a logical person would have done, I continued to drive and stole glances downward hoping to spot the demon.
When I saw it peek its head over the rim of my lunch bag, the smart thing to do would have been to pull over and shoo it out of the van. Being sober and not thinking clearly, I continued driving while keeping an eye on it and the road at the same time - not an easy nor safe task, I'll admit. My demon detector never took her eyes off the demon. I knew I was safe from it as long as she kept looking down.
But this is how I know the bee was a demon and not just a bee. Despite my demon detector constantly looking down watching its every move, I felt it crawl up my leg. Then it landed on the back of my neck. Then I felt it in my ear. Each time, I'd look down and it was on my lunch bag and not on me. It was playing a favorite trick of demons. It projected creepy crawly thoughts into my mind.
Suddenly, my demon detector's head swung up to the right. The demon had sprung from the top of my lunch bag and flew to the radio. It quickly crawled up the face plate to the top of the dash where it scurried around. It paused briefly to stare me down then hurried towards the windshield where it could see freedom on the other side. When it realized it couldn't get through the glass, it crawled down to the bottom looking for the seam. Apparently demons can't penetrate glass, but they can squeeze through a seam because once it disappeared in that gap where the windshield goes below the dashboard, the demon disappeared.
My demon detector took her eyes off the windshield, laid her head down, and took a nap. The twenty minute ordeal of a demon loose in the van drained her. At least with her resting, I knew the demon was gone. Without my demon detector, it could've easily snuck into my ear or something, but it knew there were too many eyes watching it. Demons can possess only when no one is watching and they absolutely fear the eyes of a demon detector.
After that close call of being possessed by a demon, I put my e-cig down and haven't puffed on it since. It still rides with me. I reckon it's my security blanket now. I don't have a desire to puff on it, but I feel comfortable with it there.
No bee, nor demon, has tried to get into my e-cig since that battle last spring. To a bee, the e-liquid is sweet nectar collecting at the end of a long, tubular flower. To a demon, it's a long tubular flower that makes for an easy access to possessing an unsuspecting victim. Either way, when the weather is warm, check your mouthpiece before puffing. You don't want to be surprised by what might have crawled inside.
If you've been putting off getting a demon detector, visit your local shelter or pet rescue and get one. It doesn't matter which model you pick, but you'll know you got the right one by the way it looks at you and reacts.
I watched one of those old black and white documentaries hosted by the famous documentary maker, Rod Serling. He followed a hunter and his demon detector, probably a '58 or '59 retriever or maybe coon hound. The old grainy, black and white footage made it hard to tell the exact model, but the important part was the hunter's demon detector always strode by his side, protecting him. Even in the afterlife, the demon detector steered him away from the path to Hell and put him on the road to heaven, faithfully by his side.
Your demon detector is waiting at a shelter near you. Don't leave home without one. Even if you never battle a potential demon loose in your vehicle, your demon detector will be there to get you on the right path to heaven.
TL;DR folks:
The e-liquid in an e-cig is sweet and irresistible to a bee. Check your tube before puffing.
Posted by Five Drunk Rednecks
 |
| Sleek...stylish...and a demon heaven |
For those of you who are only vaguely familiar with e-cigs, yes, they look like an electronic version of a cigarette, but are far less dangerous than a cigarette. I know. I make that statement and the first thing you want is proof. Guess what? I offer none. I've seen too many people switch to e-cigs and then quit smoking altogether within a year to believe that e-cigs are somehow dangerous.
And you're reading someone who tried to quit smoking and failed. While chewing nicotine gum and wearing the patch, I still lit up. When my doctor pointed out with a stern warning that I should either smoke or try one quit smoking program at a time, but not do all of them together, I ditched the gum and trashed the patch. I wasn't addicted to the nicotine. I was addicted to the act of smoking.
I switched to the e-cig because I knew I had to quit and despite everything else failing - including extortionist taxes on tobacco products - I thought, "Well, heck, why not try it?"
I took the plunge and spent the equivalent of a carton of cigarettes on a good vaporizer. Shelling out fifty bucks for the vaporizer plus a tube of e-juice and a pack of replacement coils was the best investment I ever made.
I smoked my pack of cigarettes while getting adjusted to the e-cig. A funny thing happened, though. My pack of cigarettes lasted a week instead of a day. The e-cig did something the patch and nicotine gum couldn't do. I didn't smoke the real cigarette nearly as much while trying to quit as I did when I tried the other quit smoking gimmicks. When I smoked my last cigarette in the pack a week later, I never bought another pack.
A year later, I had reduced the nicotine levels in the e-liquid to zero and my puffing to at most one puff a day...two if people were getting on my nerves. I'd go many days without puffing at all, but then the two-day weekend would end and I'd be back to work dealing with people and puffing once or twice a day.
Food tasted good again, my breathing improved, and my blood pressure returned to a solid normal reading. The e-cig was a blessing and my tool to healthier living...until the demon hiding within reared its maleficent head.
It was one of the first days of spring when the temperatures rise into the sixties. Those are special days. The sun's warmth wakes the plants and animals out of their winter sleep. For people, it stirs a funny kind of giddiness combined with an unexplained restlessness inside. The feeling drives many of us to play hooky. We even justify our truancy from work or school by thinking spring fever must be a legitimate illness because it has a fever in the description. A day or two of rest with a twelve-pack by one's side and a fishing pole on the other side is one of many possible cures, although arguably not the best nor most fun.
No, I take that back. A twelve-pack and fishing lasts a lot longer than the other fun.
But side tracked, again. The thought of beer and fishing tends to do that to me.
I didn't play hooky on this particularly fine spring day so I was out running my route. After completing one of my stops, I hopped in the van and started down the long country road to my next stop. Ten minutes down the road, I took my daily puff from my e-cig. I no sooner put the tip between my lips and I felt a buzzing, tingling feeling as if the battery had shorted or something.
Instinctively I pulled it away and held it vertically in front of me. In that split second, the head of a bee emerged from the mouthpiece. He hoisted himself up in a precarious balancing act, back arched like I've seen in so many documentaries about demons. Usually the demon comes as a fly, but they have been known to appear as cockroaches, spiders, beetles, and, yes, bees. Whatever insect they come as, they always crawl out of a crevice, a bottle, a book, or even a nose. Whatever venue the demon decides to crawl out of, it's always a small, unexpected place with an even smaller opening to squeeze his body through.
The bee got his body half way out of my e-cig and stared at me as if deciding which opening in my body he would enter to posses me - mouth, nose, ear, or corner of my eye. Fortunately for him, I try to be environmentally conscious and thought, "What if this isn't a demon, but just a real bee?"
Bees are having a rough go of it. Between homeowners drenching their property with herbicides, fungicides, and insecticides and demons taking control of them for nefarious reasons, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand why our bees are disappearing. People are spraying too many chemicals.
It's bad enough what the homeowner is doing to our bees and since I couldn't be sure if it was a demon sitting on the end of my e-cig or a real bee, I decided to err on the side of caution and let the fella go. I slowed my van down to a reasonable speed of about fifty and stuck the e-cig out the window. The wind set the bee, demon, or whatever it was free.
Or so I thought.
 |
| My 2013 model Jack Russell Mix Demon Detector watching the demon intently |
I glanced down at my lunch bag, but saw nothing. Driving down a country road, I couldn't exactly stare and look for the demon, but I stole a few glances hoping to see what my demon detector detected.
Now the smart thing for me to do would have been to pull over, find the bee, and shoo it on out of the van. I was sober, though, so I wasn't exactly thinking in logical, clear terms. Instead of doing what a logical person would have done, I continued to drive and stole glances downward hoping to spot the demon.
When I saw it peek its head over the rim of my lunch bag, the smart thing to do would have been to pull over and shoo it out of the van. Being sober and not thinking clearly, I continued driving while keeping an eye on it and the road at the same time - not an easy nor safe task, I'll admit. My demon detector never took her eyes off the demon. I knew I was safe from it as long as she kept looking down.
But this is how I know the bee was a demon and not just a bee. Despite my demon detector constantly looking down watching its every move, I felt it crawl up my leg. Then it landed on the back of my neck. Then I felt it in my ear. Each time, I'd look down and it was on my lunch bag and not on me. It was playing a favorite trick of demons. It projected creepy crawly thoughts into my mind.
Suddenly, my demon detector's head swung up to the right. The demon had sprung from the top of my lunch bag and flew to the radio. It quickly crawled up the face plate to the top of the dash where it scurried around. It paused briefly to stare me down then hurried towards the windshield where it could see freedom on the other side. When it realized it couldn't get through the glass, it crawled down to the bottom looking for the seam. Apparently demons can't penetrate glass, but they can squeeze through a seam because once it disappeared in that gap where the windshield goes below the dashboard, the demon disappeared.
 |
| My demon detector scanning me for demon possession before lying her head down for a nap |
After that close call of being possessed by a demon, I put my e-cig down and haven't puffed on it since. It still rides with me. I reckon it's my security blanket now. I don't have a desire to puff on it, but I feel comfortable with it there.
No bee, nor demon, has tried to get into my e-cig since that battle last spring. To a bee, the e-liquid is sweet nectar collecting at the end of a long, tubular flower. To a demon, it's a long tubular flower that makes for an easy access to possessing an unsuspecting victim. Either way, when the weather is warm, check your mouthpiece before puffing. You don't want to be surprised by what might have crawled inside.
If you've been putting off getting a demon detector, visit your local shelter or pet rescue and get one. It doesn't matter which model you pick, but you'll know you got the right one by the way it looks at you and reacts.
I watched one of those old black and white documentaries hosted by the famous documentary maker, Rod Serling. He followed a hunter and his demon detector, probably a '58 or '59 retriever or maybe coon hound. The old grainy, black and white footage made it hard to tell the exact model, but the important part was the hunter's demon detector always strode by his side, protecting him. Even in the afterlife, the demon detector steered him away from the path to Hell and put him on the road to heaven, faithfully by his side.
Your demon detector is waiting at a shelter near you. Don't leave home without one. Even if you never battle a potential demon loose in your vehicle, your demon detector will be there to get you on the right path to heaven.
TL;DR folks:
The e-liquid in an e-cig is sweet and irresistible to a bee. Check your tube before puffing.
The bee (or demon) making its escape:
Posted by Five Drunk Rednecks
I tried to get thru this whole thing but starting falling asleep. I just couldn’t read this boring story anymore
ReplyDeleteThank you for trying. I kind of agree, though. It is long and really doesn't say much of anything.
ReplyDelete