Bubba Joe Crowley Applies For a White House Job

Bubba Joe Crowley

Second House Past the Oak Tree

Crowley's Bend, TN 38008

President Donald Trump

The White House

Washington, DC

Dear Esteemed "The" Donald Trump:

I'd be honored to join your administration to "Make America Great Again."  I be exactly what this country needs to git the job done.  It's goin to take more than cinderblocks and duck tape to make America great again, but I'm handy with both those tools and don't mind gittin my hands dirty.  I'm includin my resume for your consideration.

I ain't got no Ivory League School qualifications you might be looking for, but what did those schools ever produce anyways?  Sure, they make a good soap that floats in the tub, but my Grandmaw's been makin floatin soap since before I was born.  It had to float.  If it didn't, it gits lost in the mud when you drop it.  My Great-Grandmaw invented floatin soap long before those Ivory League Schools did.  Everyone in town says I inherited my smarts from her.

I'm not particular about the job you have for me.  I'll jist be happier than a bull frog in a pond on a fly farm with any job you can spare.  I hear there's good money in fly farmin because those smart people at the Ivory League Schools need flies for their research.  I'd git into fly farmin, but I don't know where I'd herd the flies to market to sell them.  If you decide not to hire me, could you have one of your Ag people send me a fly farmin brochure that tells me where I can market my swarms?  These rednecks in Crowley's Bend don't know nothin ceptin where the tobacca store, Walmart, and the bar are.

I'm pretty good with money.  Maybe I could be your budgeter or something.  I can buy a hundred dollars of stuff at Walmart for a dollar.  All it takes is the right loose clothin with deep pockets and the pride in America to take back what China stole from us.  If I can git a hundred dollars of Walmart stuff for a buck, imagine what I could do for your trillion billion budget.  I'd have enough money left over to build a wall to keep the Mexicans out like the Chinese did a thousand years ago.  Your wall, though, would be bigger and stronger, and...git this...when viewed from space, would spell "TRUMP - MAGA!"  That Chinese wall don't spell nothin.

If you make me your budgeter, I would need a private office.  I can count to twenty if I take my shoes off...twenty-one if I git naked.  I mean, I'm not ashamed of anythin I got, but you know how them bleedin hearts and women are.  It's not politically correct for a man to git naked in front of a woman.  They git embarrassed.  Why?  They ain't naked.

My office don't need to be a big fancy office like your Oval Office.  Heck, a closet would do.  I'll need a camera in there so I can see who's walkin by.  I'd hate to step out of the closet as that Shifty guy walks by.  I think he's a little light in the loafers, if you know what I mean. 

I know, I know.  We're not supposed to say things like that no more.  Dang bleedin hearts and Democrats have wrecked the country with their politically correct bull crap.  Facts are facts, but facts don't mean squat today.  I'd appreciate it if you keep my politically incorrect observation between you and me.

If the position of Budgeter is already filled, I could fill the position of Jobmaker.  I think you call it Commerce Secretary or somethin, but those are big words for most people.  Everyone understands Jobmaker.  Jobmaker is like a Rainmaker, only without the Indian and dance imagery. 

We have to bring jobs back to America.  We've already gots a couple of generations of boys in  adulthood who will never know what it means to be a man bringin home the bacon.  What is a man if he can't support his family without havin his wife workin full time to make ends meet? 

Good enough motto for them good ol' boys from
Hazzard County, good enough for me.

I know my history.  Jist look at Ward Cleaver or Andy Taylor.  Did their women work?  June didn't.  Ward was a real man supportin his wife and two boys on his own.  Andy Taylor put his life on the line every day protectin Mayberry, but he didn't need Aunt Bea or Opie takin on jobs to help pay the bills.  Ok, Andy's girlfriend worked, but she worked because she wanted to...not because Andy needed help payin for their dates.  And Helen Crump didn't make a scene marchin around Mayberry demandin equal pay for nothin.  She worked and never complained about her paycheck.

Back then, when America was great, women stayed home and raised the kids and men worked hard to pay for it all.   That's the way God intended families to be.  It's impossible for the American man to work hard when all the good payin jobs have been exported to China, India, Mexico, and other crap hole countries.  Let's bring those jobs back and make American men feel like men again.  Those other countries can create their own jobs instead of stealin ours.

I hope you consider me for a position in your administration.  I'm willin to relocate to DC if need be.  That big city scares the bejesus outta me, but, heck, I stared a black bear down so I should be ok. 

I hope to hear from you soon.

With highest regards,

Bubba Joe Crowley

PS  My pistol aimin is sharper than my tobacca spittin.  I would be a good body guard.

My Resume:

Bubba Joe Crowley

Second House Past the Oak Tree

Crowley's Bend, TN 38008

Objective:   Git a paycheck.

Edeacation:

                Crowley's High School   2006-2015

                               

                    * Gradeated ninth grade auto shop

Experience:

                All my life to six months ago   Pa's Farmhand

                Responsbilties:

                    * Plowed fields, fed farm animals, baled harvests.

                    * Left job when DEA claimed Pa grew illegal tobacca and stole the farm from us.

                Achievements:

                    * Tell time by position of the sun.

                    * Spit a tobacca wad twenty feet, knockin a fly clear to the ground.

                    * Tell you the kind of grass jist by chewin the blade (legal grass, not the other kind).

                    * Learned to operate complicated chemistry machines by brewin white lightnin in

                       Pa's back woods.  (DEA seized this, too.)

                Six months ago to present       Crowley's Corner Auto Shop

                Responsbilities:

                    * Clean up all the beer cans and cigarette butts throughout the day

                    * Layed off from lack of business.  Folks actually spected us to fix their pickups, not

                       leave them up on blocks.

                Achievements:

                    * Crush a beer can on my forehead with no visible damage, cept to the can.

                    * Perfected wolf whistle and other communication skills with women.

                    * Learned proper way to mount gun rack in back of a pickup.

Refrences:   Never been outside of Tennessee.  Everyone else I know is my kin.

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Bubba Joe Crowley: Just a good ol' boy having fun.