Dog Joins #MeToo Movement

Files lawsuit against owner alleging unwelcomed advances

All I want to do is play and chase rabbits

When Mango trotted into the county courthouse to file a lawsuit against her housemate, little did she know her actions would split her quiet, rural community...pitting neighbor against neighbor and dog lover against cat lover.  

"The arrogance of that little bitch!" exclaimed Pussy.  "She's threatened the status of pets across the nation with her actions today."  Pussy is a family farm cat whose job is to keep the barn free of mice.  "So her housemate wants to hug her.  Hugging is far better than being thrown into a barn every night to hunt mice for your dinner."

As Mango explained to this reporter as she affixed her paw print to the court document she was about to file, she holds no animosity nor indifference to her housemate.  She is tired of his unwanted affection, that's all.  

 "A day doesn't go by without him scratching me behind my ears or at the base of my tail or rubbing my tummy.  His actions make me feel very uncomfortable.  He makes me feel like I'm exchanging my body for a bowl of food and a warm bed."

Mango's lawyer, Pitbull G, interrupted.  "My client isn't saying her housemate is pimping her out or anything.  Mango is simply trying to make us understand how his inappropriate touching and unwanted and suffocating attention makes her feel."

On her Facebook page, Mango described how, almost every night, her housemate would grab her from wherever she lay, take her to the couch, and put her in a bear hug as he watched TV.  Saturday nights, she wrote, were the worst and most frightening nights.  She described lying next to a strange, two-legged creature who smelled of stale beer and sardines.  She lay there for hours, unable to break his hold and always fearful his huge, round stomach would flatten her to a pancake.  

Mango claims she still has nightmares of those Saturday night fears.  She'll yelp and kick her legs as she sleeps.  She knows her housemate thinks she's dreaming of chasing rabbits, her favorite pastime.  Little does he know she's crying for help to save her from the dreaded bear hug that might flatten her.  

 Here's the problem.  Dogs are defined as
property.  The arrogance of those strange
two-legged creatures! 

While most other dogs understand and support Mango's actions, not all agree.  Yorkshire terriers, for example, overwhelmingly condemn Mango's actions.  A recent poll showed that Yorkies believe everyone should be hugged by a big, hairy man.  The man means nothing by it.  Besides, who would mess with you if a big hairy man is your best friend?

Cats side with the Yorkies.  To them, it doesn't matter which strange, two-legged creature shows you affection.  You enjoy how much you want than simply up and leave when you've had enough.  As your claws dig in while you try to pull away, almost every one of those two-legged creatures will gladly let you go.

Hamsters, rats, and goldfish are more indifferent towards the plight of dogs being bear hugged, but hope some good will come out of the lawsuit.  They can't relate to how being hugged could be a traumatic experience compared to the very real threat of being swallowed whole by a pet snake or a drunk frat boy.

"The point of all of this is pets are living, breathing beings filled with thoughts and emotions," stated Pitbull G.  "The fact Mango suffers nightmares related to her traumatic experiences proves the point.  People shouldn't be traumatizing their pets.  That's what their teenagers are there for."

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Posted by A Drunk Redneck