Would you buy a used car from this person?
There's no sugarcoating this article. When you have presidential candidates
debating the size of one's penis, you know our country is in trouble.
Hillary Clinton
Bernie Sanders
Donald Trump
Ted Cruz
TL;DR folks:
We're screwed.
Posted by Five Drunk Rednecks
Looking over the barren Presidential candidate landscape,
all I see are crooks, conmen, liars, cheats, and foreigners. After a year of campaigning, I can't tell
you one solid plan by any candidate to address any of the pressing issues of
today. Sure, they all talk the talk,
but none have laid out a clear map of the direction this country needs to take
to address the problems of today and the problems coming thirty years from now.
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Here's what I want...and who wouldn't? |
Since there is no plan for me to vote for, I reckon my vote
will be decided by my answer to one question: who would I buy a used car from? I've always wanted a Ford Mustang, even
though I probably couldn't afford a used one, but grab a beer and let's go on
the campaign trail to see who I might buy one from.
Hillary Clinton
"Hi Ms. Clinton.
I'd like to take a look at what you have available in Ford
Mustangs."
"Oh, you wouldn't want one of those gas guzzlers. They'll leave a carbon footprint the size of
a brontosaurus. Now, over here, I have
a sporty little hybrid."
"But I want a Ford Mustang."
"You know, it's very important we all get onboard and
work towards a greener tomorrow. At
least let me show you what we have in cleaner, more fuel efficient
models."
"But I want a Ford Mustang."
"I could sell you one, but do you want to pay the
penalty that will help fill in that dinosaur size carbon footprint?"
"I want a Ford Mustang and I shouldn't have to pay no
extra tax on it."
"Oh, you misunderstand. It's not an extra tax.
It's a penalty to encourage you and others to choose greener cars. If it were a tax, it'd be illegal."
Bernie Sanders
"Hi, Mr. Sanders.
I just came from Clinton's lot, but she didn't have what I wanted. What do you have available in Ford
Mustangs?"
"Ford Mustangs.
Now there's a nice car. Really
shows off one's wealth as they drive past the homeless and hungry in the
streets."
"Yeah, ok. Do
you have any Mustangs?"
"Sure do, but what's the point of a car? It's to get you from point A to point B
reliably, right? Our economy Ford
Fiesta fits the bill, plus the money you save can be used for other things that
will improve the lives of others. How
about if I show you a Fiesta?"
"But I want a Ford Mustang."
"Well, son, I have a couple in stock if you're really
set on showing off your wealth. I can
sell you the basic model, and for an extra thousand dollars, I can equip it
with an engine. It's a good deal
because that thousand dollars will go to local schools so the children can have
a nutritious meal at no cost to them."
Donald Trump
"Hi, Mr. Trump.
Just came from the two lots on the left side of town with no luck. What'd you got in Ford Mustangs?"
"Yeah. That's a
man's car. You'll attract the chicks
from miles around driving that thing, if you know what I mean."
"I just want a Ford Mustang."
"Sure you do, but I can't stop the chicks from flocking
around it. The nice thing is Mustangs
don't attract the bitches, you know, those bitches with shrill voices or
nagging voices that unfairly peck away at your inner soul with unfair questions. Thank God.
Who needs bitches like that anyway?
Come this way. I'll show you a
beaut I have. Pretty blue
Mustang."
"I love it.
It's awesome. But where's the
transmission?"
"Don't worry.
I'm not going to charge you for the transmission. It's still down in Mexico. Seems those illegals down there have a beef
with me and I can't get any Mustangs with a transmission in them. They say they're going to use the
transmissions as material for the wall that I'll be building. It'll help cut down on their costs."
Ted Cruz
"Hi, Mr. Cruz.
I saw a beautiful Ford Mustang on Mr. Trump's lot, but it had no
transmission. Do you have Mustangs with
transmissions?"
"I only carry vans.
All my vans come with plush or fur lining and secure compartments to
hold little bags of candy."
"That's plain creepy."
"But little boys like munching on candy while they help
you find your lost puppy."
Marco Rubio
"Hi, Mr. Rubio.
I got skeered off Mr. Cruz's lot so I thought I'd stop in to see what
you have in Ford Mustangs."
"I'm sorry, but first you'll have to get rid of that
beer. Alcohol is the devil's
brew."
"Ok, but I just want a Ford Mustang."
"I'm sorry. I'm
fresh out of Mustangs. I do have a
standard Popemobile available, modeled after the one Pope John Paul II used
after his assassination attempt in 1981."
"No thank you.
I just want a Ford Mustang."
"It's not a Mustang, but I do have a sporty Popemobile
over here."
"No thank you."
"Well, I am sorry I haven't helped you see the light
today. Maybe tomorrow. God bless you."
I have a feeling come this election in November, I won't be
getting a Ford Mustang. Most I can hope
for is a Matchbox Model T Ford.
Somehow, I think the President-to-be will try to convince me that I
should be thankful for it because at least I still have the American Dream -
only in compact, eco-friendly size.
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Here's what I'll get...do you want it? |
TL;DR folks:
We're screwed.
For your listening pleasure
Posted by Five Drunk Rednecks
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