Would you buy a used car from this person?

There's no sugarcoating this article.  When you have presidential candidates debating the size of one's penis, you know our country is in trouble. 

Looking over the barren Presidential candidate landscape, all I see are crooks, conmen, liars, cheats, and foreigners.  After a year of campaigning, I can't tell you one solid plan by any candidate to address any of the pressing issues of today.  Sure, they all talk the talk, but none have laid out a clear map of the direction this country needs to take to address the problems of today and the problems coming thirty years from now.

Here's what I want...and who wouldn't?

Since there is no plan for me to vote for, I reckon my vote will be decided by my answer to one question: who would I buy a used car from?  I've always wanted a Ford Mustang, even though I probably couldn't afford a used one, but grab a beer and let's go on the campaign trail to see who I might buy one from.

 

Hillary Clinton

"Hi Ms. Clinton.  I'd like to take a look at what you have available in Ford Mustangs."

"Oh, you wouldn't want one of those gas guzzlers.  They'll leave a carbon footprint the size of a brontosaurus.  Now, over here, I have a sporty little hybrid."

"But I want a Ford Mustang."

"You know, it's very important we all get onboard and work towards a greener tomorrow.  At least let me show you what we have in cleaner, more fuel efficient models."

"But I want a Ford Mustang."

"I could sell you one, but do you want to pay the penalty that will help fill in that dinosaur size carbon footprint?"

"I want a Ford Mustang and I shouldn't have to pay no extra tax on it."

"Oh, you misunderstand.  It's not an extra tax.  It's a penalty to encourage you and others to choose greener cars.  If it were a tax, it'd be illegal."

Bernie Sanders

"Hi, Mr. Sanders.  I just came from Clinton's lot, but she didn't have what I wanted.  What do you have available in Ford Mustangs?"

"Ford Mustangs.  Now there's a nice car.  Really shows off one's wealth as they drive past the homeless and hungry in the streets."

"Yeah, ok.  Do you have any Mustangs?"

"Sure do, but what's the point of a car?  It's to get you from point A to point B reliably, right?  Our economy Ford Fiesta fits the bill, plus the money you save can be used for other things that will improve the lives of others.  How about if I show you a Fiesta?"

"But I want a Ford Mustang."

"Well, son, I have a couple in stock if you're really set on showing off your wealth.  I can sell you the basic model, and for an extra thousand dollars, I can equip it with an engine.  It's a good deal because that thousand dollars will go to local schools so the children can have a nutritious meal at no cost to them."

Donald Trump

"Hi, Mr. Trump.  Just came from the two lots on the left side of town with no luck.  What'd you got in Ford Mustangs?"

"Yeah.  That's a man's car.  You'll attract the chicks from miles around driving that thing, if you know what I mean."

"I just want a Ford Mustang."

"Sure you do, but I can't stop the chicks from flocking around it.  The nice thing is Mustangs don't attract the bitches, you know, those bitches with shrill voices or nagging voices that unfairly peck away at your inner soul with unfair questions.  Thank God.  Who needs bitches like that anyway?  Come this way.  I'll show you a beaut I have.  Pretty blue Mustang."

"I love it.  It's awesome.  But where's the transmission?"

"Don't worry.  I'm not going to charge you for the transmission.  It's still down in Mexico.  Seems those illegals down there have a beef with me and I can't get any Mustangs with a transmission in them.  They say they're going to use the transmissions as material for the wall that I'll be building.  It'll help cut down on their costs."

Ted Cruz

"Hi, Mr. Cruz.  I saw a beautiful Ford Mustang on Mr. Trump's lot, but it had no transmission.  Do you have Mustangs with transmissions?"

"I only carry vans.  All my vans come with plush or fur lining and secure compartments to hold little bags of candy."

"That's plain creepy."

"But little boys like munching on candy while they help you find your lost puppy."

Marco Rubio

"Hi, Mr. Rubio.  I got skeered off Mr. Cruz's lot so I thought I'd stop in to see what you have in Ford Mustangs."

"I'm sorry, but first you'll have to get rid of that beer.  Alcohol is the devil's brew."

"Ok, but I just want a Ford Mustang."

"I'm sorry.  I'm fresh out of Mustangs.  I do have a standard Popemobile available, modeled after the one Pope John Paul II used after his assassination attempt in 1981."

"No thank you.  I just want a Ford Mustang."

"It's not a Mustang, but I do have a sporty Popemobile over here."

"No thank you."

"Well, I am sorry I haven't helped you see the light today.  Maybe tomorrow.  God bless you."



Here's what I'll get...do you want it?

I have a feeling come this election in November, I won't be getting a Ford Mustang.  Most I can hope for is a Matchbox Model T Ford.  Somehow, I think the President-to-be will try to convince me that I should be thankful for it because at least I still have the American Dream - only in compact, eco-friendly size.

TL;DR folks:
We're screwed.

For your listening pleasure

Posted by Five Drunk Rednecks