Grumplin Dictates New COVID-19 Restrictions
As COVID-19 liberally spreads itself into every nook and cranny of our world and our lives, we've had to learn new terms and put them to good use to slow the spread of the pandemic.
"Social distancing."
What the heck is that? Being friends via Skype or something?
No. We learned it is the practice of maintaining a distance of six feet from each other to slow the spread of the coronavirus. I did my part. Early on I shut down all travel coming into the barnyard and zoo grounds. I started social distancing long before those do-nothing chickens and sloths on the left learned what the word, pandemic, meant. My actions saved thousands...maybe millions...of lives. And me and my wife...we sleep in separate bedrooms. She insisted on it during these trying times.
But I can't stop the spread alone. I need your help.
A month ago I directed my son-in-law to lead a task force exploring how social distancing could impact the spread of COVID-19 and any repercussions social distancing practices may create. The immediate benefits of social distancing will slow...or maybe even reverse...the spread of the pandemic. With control over the virus, our brave medical providers will once again have enough beds to properly care for their patients.
The long term effects, however, point to a troubling possibility of a second pandemic and shortage of hospital beds. Around the Christmas through New Year's period, hospitals may once again face bed shortages due to a pandemic of pregnancies.
To prevent this possible catastrophe, I hereby have suggested guidelines for states to follow to prevent the impending pandemic of pregnancies nine months from now. All kissing, intimate contact, and actions that could lead to kissing and intimate contact is to be avoided. We also will supply all essential businesses that are open with free condoms. They are to distribute one free condom per ten dollars of the retail sale. If a customer purchases one hundred dollars worth of goods, they will receive ten free condoms upon checkout. Customers are expected to use these condoms. Any births occurring between Dec 01, 2020 and Jan 31, 2021 will result in a criminal charge subject to a $5,000 fine and/or one year in jail.
Unwanted pregnancies must be stopped and abortion is not an option.
Thank you. Together we will stop the spread of COVID-19 by not kissing, and at the same time stop the impending crisis to come.
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"Social distancing."
What the heck is that? Being friends via Skype or something?
No. We learned it is the practice of maintaining a distance of six feet from each other to slow the spread of the coronavirus. I did my part. Early on I shut down all travel coming into the barnyard and zoo grounds. I started social distancing long before those do-nothing chickens and sloths on the left learned what the word, pandemic, meant. My actions saved thousands...maybe millions...of lives. And me and my wife...we sleep in separate bedrooms. She insisted on it during these trying times.
But I can't stop the spread alone. I need your help.
A month ago I directed my son-in-law to lead a task force exploring how social distancing could impact the spread of COVID-19 and any repercussions social distancing practices may create. The immediate benefits of social distancing will slow...or maybe even reverse...the spread of the pandemic. With control over the virus, our brave medical providers will once again have enough beds to properly care for their patients.
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| We must stop all intimate contact! |
To prevent this possible catastrophe, I hereby have suggested guidelines for states to follow to prevent the impending pandemic of pregnancies nine months from now. All kissing, intimate contact, and actions that could lead to kissing and intimate contact is to be avoided. We also will supply all essential businesses that are open with free condoms. They are to distribute one free condom per ten dollars of the retail sale. If a customer purchases one hundred dollars worth of goods, they will receive ten free condoms upon checkout. Customers are expected to use these condoms. Any births occurring between Dec 01, 2020 and Jan 31, 2021 will result in a criminal charge subject to a $5,000 fine and/or one year in jail.
Unwanted pregnancies must be stopped and abortion is not an option.
Thank you. Together we will stop the spread of COVID-19 by not kissing, and at the same time stop the impending crisis to come.
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| Donnie Grumplin: So-called president of the conservative world whose tiny little hooves are a tumultuous terror when they hit the keyboard. |
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