Saturday, January 10, 2015

Top Ten Songs for the Tone Deaf

Every creative person creates at least one bona fide clunker we all can laugh at.  Creative people hide their clunkers in a closet, sealed in a box, stored in a crack-proof safe so no one will find them.  Let's face it.  Creative people make plenty of mistakes as they hone their craft and even they laugh at some of them.

Unfortunately for the creative people, they can rely on a bunch of non-creative drunk rednecks to crack that safe and compile their mistakes in a Top Ten list.  We didn't have to crack a safe to find the top ten songs that should never have been recorded.  Our list is of songs that enjoyed moderate to huge commercial success before the musicians were able to lock them safely away.  That is the true marvel of this list.  Don McLean sang about the day the music died.  These songs surely were the nails in the coffin.

(If you haven't heard the songs before or conveniently forgot them, click on the title links to see a YouTube performance of the song.)

10.   Aaron Lewis' Black

We were split on adding Aaron Lewis to the list, but he makes the list by one vote.  He sounds like a drunk redneck strumming a guitar around a bonfire, which is why two of us thought he belonged on the Top Ten Best Acoustic Songs list, a list we have yet to compile.  Drunk rednecks never get the respect they deserve.  We have to give an honorable mention to his Outside, too. 

9.     Pearl Jam's Black

Pearl Jam is the original, but we all agree Aaron Lewis did a much better job.  Pearl Jam took the sound of drunk rednecks to the level of stoned drunk rednecks.  Fact is, we could've named any Pearl Jam song for this list, but we thought the song Black deserved a double mention.  It's not that the song is bad.  It's who singing it that makes it bad.

8.     Limp Bizkit's My Way

If you like well-built biker dudes (a rarity nowadays) crying like spoiled whiney little girls, you won't understand why My Way should never have been written much less recorded.  'Nuff said.

7.     The Beatles' Hey Jude

One of us drunk rednecks has always claimed The Beatles weren't so much talented as they were in the right place at the right time with the right agent at their side.  Sure, diehard fans would love to hold your hand while walking down the long and winding road reminiscing about yesterday, but Hey Jude is proof that even the most talented can deliver a pile of drivel to their fans and the fans will love it.  The song is mediocre at best, but the ending simply doesn't know when to end.  "Na, na, na-na-na-na, hey Jude" repeated ad nauseum.  On a live, televised charity event several years ago, Paul McCartney reprised Hey Jude.  When he began the end of the song, a friend and I finished our beer, went across town to another bar, finished a beer there and McCartney still wasn't done singing the end of the song.  Kumbaya anyone?

6.     Neil Diamond's Song Sung Blue

Listening to this song you can't help picturing yourself falling asleep on the back of a horse plodding through a desert.  Hey, maybe this song inspired America's Horse With No Name, another song that just missed making this list.

5.     Barbara Streisand's People

Pick a song, any song, with the name Streisand attached to it and it would make this list.  People, however, is her worst.  Streisand is the female version of a stoned drunk redneck.  The only thing worse we could imagine is Streisand teaming up with Pearl Jam and turning People into a duet with Black overtones.

4.     Joe Cocker's You Are So Beautiful

We give Joe Cocker an A for trying and failing gloriously.  May he rest in peace.

3.     Alice in Chains' Rooster

Rooster could have been a pretty song if it weren't for the singer.  Layne Staley's nasal, lethargic voice dragged the song along much like Streisand's nasal voice dragged her songs along - only Staley didn't have a big nose to blame for his nasal quality.  We can only imagine he is in Heaven with a new band featuring Joe Cocker.  May he rest in peace.

2.     Audioslave's Like a Stone

One of our drunk rednecks never heard Like a Stone so we plopped the earphones on him and played the linked video.  As it played, at first, he smiled and said, "It's a pretty song."  His smile changed to a grimace as the vocals began.  Ten seconds later, he ripped the earphones off and asked, "Y'all sure this shouldn't be the number one worst song ever?"  The only way Chris Cornell, lead singer, could've sounded better would be if he developed laryngitis and had a walnut lodged in his throat as he sang the song.

And our number one worst song ever sung...

1.     Sting and The Police's Roxanne

Our only explanation for this song is demons from Hell possessed The Police - and Satan, himself, possessed Sting because only Satan could sound so hideous.  When we hear the song, our fingers instinctively start digging in our ears to remove our eardrums.  Fingernails across a chalkboard is Heaven-sent music compared to Roxanne.   Fact is we would rather suffer through the other nine songs, sober, than listen to Roxanne passed out drunk.  To all our straight male readers and lesbian readers, turn down the volume and watch the video.  You'll agree it was the video, and not the music, that propelled Roxanne to a commercial success.

Posted by Five Drunk Rednecks

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